The Sad Tale of My Lucky Hobo.

So as many of you are probably aware, there's a hobo that used to hang out on the street outside the studio (or the "Jim J. Bullock Memorial Theater," as it's officially known due to an internet voting contest. Yet another reason I hate the internet and everyone who uses it.)

Anyway, I would see this guy every day on my way in to the office. Most days I was getting over a hangover from the night before, so I wasn't very receptive when he asked me for change. When I was first doing the show I would usually take a swing at him, and a few times I actually managed to punch the guy in the face. Those were the nights I'd have my best shows (these include my interview with Michael Jackson with my infamous "Boys pants half-off!" joke, the time I got Chris Dodd to admit to killing a drifter, and the time we got a visit from John Mark Karr just as my annual JonBenet Ramsey Lookalike Musical Revue and Spelling Bee Competition was wrapping up. Ah memories.) As you can imagine, over the years I've come to associate punching this hobo in the face with me having a great show. It sort of became my good luck charm, if you will.

Much has been made in the media about me punching a gimpy hobo in the face every day on my way to work, and TMZ loves to run the same old video over and over while the narrator says something about the hobo being my amnesiatic step-brother and me punching him in the face every day to keep him from remembering that I owe him $70,000. This is completely inaccurate on several counts.

Count 1:  There is a lot more than one video of me punching this hobo in the face, and I don't know why they keep running the same one. I even tried to keep it festive by wearing a Santa hat when I punched him in the face on Christmas, and by mixing it up and kicking him in the balls on April Fool's Day. I am an entertainer, after all.

Count 2: I don't have an amnesiatic step-brother, all of my step-brothers are in a Village People tribute show where they travel the country performing at nursing homes and wakes and never invited me to join them because they all suck. Except that one step-brother who went missing after attending the Anvil and Roofies Expo. So you see, everyone's accounted for. 

Count 3: I don't owe anyone $70,000. I owe a few people $71,000, I owe the Japanese mafia $1.3 million, and I owe a cult $400,000 plus my thoughts between the hours of 3:00 and 8:00, but that's it. 

Anyway, the reason I'm telling you all this is because a lot of people have been asking me lately why my shows have been so crappy. Well have you figured it out yet, Sherlock? That's right, my hobo's missing! One day he just up and left, and last I heard he had carved out a nice niche for himself as the slightly ugly male lead in crappy romantic comedies, trading off of that broken nose that I GAVE HIM!! Bah! Since he took off I've tried my luck at punching mailmen, Girl Scouts, Vice Presidents, babies, Mormons and Rihanna, but to no avail. My shows still suck, and I fear that my lucky hobo may have been the only one whose face could dispense me good luck as I punched it. I'll still punch people, of course, but deep down I know my lucky hobo was probably 1 in a million :( 

There's still hope, though. My lucky hobo has apparently been running out of luck himself and made a string of crappy movies, so I doubt anyone will blame me all that much if I go to Hollywood and punch Owen Wilson in the face.