Mysteries of the Mysterious Gift Basket! Mystery!

So there's been some discussion lately (mostly among the "blogosphere," which I can only assume is some type of VD clinic waiting room) about the contents of The Shell Show's gift basket. A gift basket, for the uninitiated among you, is basically a basket of crap that a talk show will give to its guests so they can't complain that they weren't given anything. It's also a way to one-up all the other talk shows in town because if you're the only show giving out authentic nails from Jesus' crucifixtion, you're virtually guaranteed to be the only show that scores an interview with Elisabeth Hasselback. Score!

So anyway, after the recent recall of peppermint enemas due to lead poisoning, people have been asking about what else my show includes in its gift baskets. So here you go:

One (1) Copy of Sanjaya Malakar's autobiography "Dancing with Myself," autographed.
Two (2) "Dukakis '88" bumper stickers, gently used.
One (1) "A Goofy Movie" crew T-shirt, size XXL.
Four (4) Sparrow eggs, ripe.
One (1) Jar of Nutella, autographed.
One (1) "Free Willy 2" coloring book, colored.
Three (3) Mitt Romney bobbleheads, slightly burnt.
One (1) Coupon for a free prostate exam, redeemable in Rhode Isand.
One (1) 8 x10 glossy photo of Christopher Eccleston, signed by David Tennant.
One (1) Crinkled Walgreen's receipt with the home phone number of one (1) of these women scrawled on the back: Anna Wintour, Rozilyn Papa, Antonella Barba, Alison Stokke, Brittany Murphy, Pat Sajak, Demi Lovato, Tubgirl
Twenty Seven (27) Tickets to my one-man stage show, "Go to Shell: Live at Denny's!"
One (1) Shake-weight, slightly sticky.
One (1) Eighteen (18) - pound bag of magic rocks.
One (1) Home Hepatitis-C Test, used (positive).
Two Hundred (200) Bolivian Fighting Fleas, dead.
One (1) Human ear.
Five (5) Copies of "Double Team," VHS.

What the hell is Twitter?

I don't know, but I'm on it!

http://twitter.com/TheShellShow

Go there, follow me. I'm told that if I get enough followers they'll make Reign of Fire 2. Or something. Maybe Robocop 4.

A man can dream.