About that whole Swine Flu thing...

I'd just like to take this opportunity to declare that recent reports of my being responsible for an outbreak of Swine Flu among last Thursday's studio audience are completely false. 

Yes, it's true that I bused in 4 dozen pigs to roam around the audience during my interview with Ray Liotta. Just like I do everytime I interview Ray Liotta. It's a thing we have. 

And yes, it's true that most of these pigs were Chinese, having been bought wholesale from a bioweapons lab in Shanghai. 

And yes, maybe some of the pigs jumped up on people's laps and sneezed in their faces during the Mini KISS performance, but surely I can't be blamed for that. That's what pigs do. 

I mean sure, we did have to smuggle the pigs in from China inside a sewage tanker because they never would have passed customs what with their exhibiting flu-like symptoms and all, but that is purely coincidental. These pigs did NOT have swine flu! If anything, they had bird flue, not swine flu. I didn't know what pigs ate so I ground up some dead birds we found along the banks of the West Nile river and fed them those. And yes, I have a West Nile hunting permit, so don't look down your nose at me.  Stupid liberal media. 

Reality or something like it...

I hate reliaty TV "stars." Hate 'em. Whenever I'm driving down the street and I see one being followed by a camera crew as they go to the grocery store or the hat shop or the STD clinic, I always go out of my way to try and run them over. So far I've been unsuccsseful, having only managed to mangle a few camera guys who got in the way. I need a heavier car. 

Anyway, my bookers have been trying to get me to agree to interview some of these reality TV jerks for the past few months. Apparently A-list talent is becoming harder to book for my show, seeing as most of them end up getting shot in the face whenever they visit. Z-list is still my bread and butter, mind you, but it is nice to have a Tom Cruise on every once in a while, strap him into a lie detector machine, turn on some gay porn and let the comedy write itself. But like I said, this is becoming increasingly more rare. 

You might think I would love to have reality TV stars on my show, as I could then shoot them in the face and have some type of excuse - or at least get some ratings out of it. And you would have a point. But let me tell you a story. 

Remember that person who won the 3rd seaon of Survivor? No? Neither do I, actually. I was pretty sure I had a story to tell but it turns out reality TV stars are so unmemorable that they basically wipe my memory. And I have a vague recollection of someone getting shot in the face, too. Hmm.

Well there you go, there's my reasoning. I can't have anyone on the show that will prove to be so unmemorable that my memory will be wiped. I need my memory. It's where I keep all my porn site passwords. 

So if you want to be on my show, here's a simple rule: don't go on a reality show. Do something else - marry a bear, rob a Dunkin' Donuts, steal a famous corpse. But don't go on a reality show. That's really scraping the bottom of the barrel. 

About the Mail Sack...

So have you folks noticed my super-cool new feature, the Mail Sack? No, I didn't think so. Well, it exists, and you can find it here.

I've discovered over the course of my career that a lot of my viewers are remarkably stupid. And the thing about stupid people is, they like to ask stupid questions. Ater the last one got a shotgun blast to the face, my lawyers suggested that instead of lashing out at these idiots, I should instead give them a forum to ask me their idiotic questions. I think it's a terrible idea, but there you have it.

Every week I'll be dipping into my Mail Sack and answering one viewer question at random. Will it be you? At this point yeah, it probably will, because my IT guys tell me that the traffic to this site is lower than Judith Light's blog, so chances are that if you're reading it than congratulations, you're alone in your online universe. So send me a question and feel important for a brief moment in time as I read it on air.

Shell@TheShellShow.com

You know you want to.

Send in your questions!