My Deadpool Problem

I don't know who Deadpool is. My mother doesn't know who Deadpool is. The guy I buy enemas from doesn't know who Deadpool is. Burt Reynolds doesn't know who Deadpool is either. And if Burt Reynolds doesn't know who you are, then you may as well not exist.

But that doesn't seem to sway you idiots.

I have an e-mail address. It's Shell@TheShellShow.com. Do you know why I have an e-mail address? It's so hot chicks can send me naked pictures of themselves, primarily. It's also for news magazine shows to e-mail me million-dollar offers to appear on their shows and explain why I shot that "inspiring" teenager in the face. You know that kid who got his face torn off by bears at Bible camp? Then he had a new face sewn on after Robbie Williams put together that fundraising song, "We're Spreading Our Love on Your Face"? Yeah, he got a new face. It looked like it was winking at me. So I shot it. But that's beside the point. The other reason I have an e-mail address is so that my fans can write me and tell me how awesome I am, using lots of adjectives to describe my awesomeness.

But lo and behold, that's not what happened.

No, instead of getting e-mails from hot chicks and TV producers, all I get is e-mails from 15-year-old nerds begging me to put this Deadpool idiot on the show. That's it. That's all anyone ever writes me about. No hot naked chicks. No money. No hot naked chicks with money. Bah! Here's the thing, nerds - NOBODY KNOWS WHO DEADPOOL IS!!!

You know who I book on my show? Folks that people have, you know, heard of. Folks like Guardian, Wonder Man, and Booster Gold! A-list names!! But Deadpool? Really? Why don't I just go book Spencer Pratt while I'm at it.

I mean really, what is it about this guy that makes 15-year-old nerds go crazy? Is he giving out free rides in the Batmobile? No, he's not. You know why? Because he's not Batman. He's Deapool. And nobody knows who that is. And he probably rides a scooter.

So stop e-mailing me about this idiot, guys. Maybe when you get old enough to become a Nielsen participant and your opinion actually means something, I'll book him. But until then, stop bothering me. We really need to get back to the foundation of what my e-mail address was built on, namely offering me hot pics, money, and praise. Is that really so hard?

That's what she said.