Thoughts...from the FUTURE!!!

In 1979, flush with cash from my moonlighting as a Times Square mugger, I visited a fortune teller for a look into my future. At the time, I was developing a radical new concept for a television show - it would be a "talk show!" With a host that sits behind a desk, and interviews celebrities! Nothing like it had ever been attempted before, and I was eager to find out if my brilliant concept had legs.

It's been a longstanding policy of mine to stay away from gypsies due to an unfortunate event from my youth involving a thresher and a little girl who would grow up to become Cher, but I made an exception on that fateful night in 1979. As I walked through the beaded curtain into a small room with a table in one corner and a popcorn machine in the other (apparently the gypsy screened old Fatty Arbuckle movies on Tuesday nights. Popcorn was ten cents. Coke was ten years. Ha! Get it? Wikipedia is your friend, buddy.), I saw the old gypsy woman hard at work polishing her crystal ball. Later I found out that it wasn't a crystal ball, it was actually a snow globe from the Darien Lake amusement park in upstate NY, which I guess explains why my future involved so many roller coaster rides. Gypsies love that park.

Anyway, I could continue to bore you with the minutiae of the gypsy woman, her collection of midget-skin suits, her werewolf daughter or the suitcase handcuffed to her arm containing the nation's nuclear launch codes, but that would be getting us off track. You want to hear about my future! Here's what I learned that night, loyal reader:

In 1983, I would eat a bag of dried apricots and immediately regret that decision. This turned out to be accurate.

In 1988, I would form a boy band using orphans I found on the streets of Guatemala. If you replace "form a boy band" with "start an illegal inter-species street-fighting ring," then yes, this was rather accurate as well.

In 1989, I would meet Corey Feldman. Well, if you replace "meet" with "punch" and "Corey Feldman" with "Tatum O'Neil in the throat," then this panned out.

In 1992, I would brush my teeth. She was way off on this one.

In 1994, I would marry Brooke Shields. Okay, replace "marry" with something unprintable, and this one's good.

In 1996, I would invent Google. This one happened, but the Illuminati went to great lengths to cover it up. Dan Brown wrote a book about it.

In 1997, through a random series of events culminating with me hitching a ride to the international space station in the wheel well of the shuttle, I discovered the names of the 11 secret herbs and spices so closely guarded by KFC. This one's only 10/11 accurate.

In 1999, I would fix the Y2K bug through the power of knitting. I think at this point my gypsy fortune teller was having a stroke.

In 2003, I would eat a fish taco and get really bad food poisoning. While at the hospital I would meet a small child by the name of Justin Bieber and throw up on his head. The acidity of my vomit would permanently burn off all of his hair, forcing him to cover his scalp scars with elaborate wigs. The only wigs that would affix to his head without irritating his skin, however, were made by a company that specialized in Lesbians with Leukemia. The rest is history. Yep.

In 2005, I would be so angry after leaving Star Wars Episode III that I would run into traffic and get hit by an ice cream truck. Actually it was a Pontiac Aztec, but close enough.

In 2008, I would watch a 14-hour "7th Heaven" marathon despite having no interest in the show whatsoever. I couldn't find the remote.

In 2010, I would be responsible for the dissolving of Tiger Woods' marriage. This one's probably true, I just have a few more texts to send.

I'm going to stop here. You may have noticed that the gypsy didn't actually say anything about my talk show. Yeah, I noticed that too. Which is why I paid her in counterfeit money. But I hear you wondering if she predicted anything for me past 2010. Yes, she did! But I'm not going to ruin it for you, loyal reader, because some of it involves YOU!!!

Well no, not really. But that would be a cool way to end it, right?