My History With the FCC

I've been doing my show for a long time now, and during that time I've met a lot of people who claimed to be celebrities, a lot of people who swallowed oddly shaped objects and had X-Rays to prove it, and a lot of celebrities who swallowed oddly shaped things and got really upset when I managed to get a hold of the X-Rays and expose them on national television. Except Richard Gere. He didn't swallow anything.  (And yes, I realize making a Richard Gere joke just now was the easy way out, but don't blame me, blame the people who voted in my recent "Who should Shell Make an Off-Color Joke About Regarding Oddly-Shaped Objects and X-Rays?" poll. Judith Light came in a distant second. Never let it be said I don't give the people what they want.)

I forgot where I was going with this. Oh! That's right -  I was about to enter into a rant about why I hate the FCC. 

The FCC and I have had a contentious relationship ever since I started my show. The first time I heard from them was minutes after my first broadcast, when they called my dressing room to tell me I couldn't say "Ass-hat" on TV. They proceeded to tell me I couldn't even say "Ass" on TV, or "hat." Over the next few weeks I discovered that this policy stretched to "Fanny-Fedora," "Butt-Bowler" and "Booty-Beret" as well. 

Now I know that many of you are surprised that this would stop me, but you must understand that it was a different time, and I was new to the business. I didn't want to step on the wrong toes lest those toes take my show away and send me back to the Jenga factory. So I tried to play along.

That didn't last long. 

If you're a student of old timey newspaper clippings and newsreels, you may have come across some stories involving me kidnapping the FCC's board of directors and feeding one of them to an Orangutan while making the others watch, then storing the survivors for a week or four in a Sarlacc Pitt I had Stan Winston specifically build for me in my backyard while pelting them with rotting oranges from above. 

Hogwash!

Stan Winston was busy that summer. I had to use Rick Baker. Stupid media can never get anything right. 

To make a long story short, me and the FCC reached an agreement. They'd basically leave me alone as long as I didn't show any full frontal female nudity on my show or have Janet Jackson as a guest. They didn't seem all that concerned with me shooting people in the face, which has since become a staple of the show. It's an uneasy truce, especially whenever I have Sasha Grey on. But the FCC never said anything about what I can do in my dressing room, so for now I'm keeping my Orangutan in his cage, waiting for the day when I get another phone call complaining about the "Blumpkins Bonanza" segment. 

Then it's Mr. Bananas' time to shine.

 

Website news...I think...

So it's been brought to my attention that an ungodly number of people are still using something called Internet Explorer. I don't know what that is. I asked my tech guys and they laughed at me. 

In any event, apparently the people using this...thing...weren't seeing my craptastic website properly. Something about pixels, or framerates, or tubes or something. Normally this wouldn't bother me, as the website is something I don't concern myself with  too much, and which only really exists to give my loser nephew something to do besides meth. Which doesn't stop him, btw. (Btw, did you know that btw means 'by the way?' All this time I thought it meant 'Bad Taco Waterslide.' That might not make sense to you but believe me, that's a phrase I use enough to neccessitate an abbreviation. Now I guess I'll just have to go back to saying the whole thing again - damn you internet generation!!)

Anyway, like I was saying, it appears that some important people are using Internet Explorer, and when they go to the show's website it looks like I hired a five-year-old with Parkinsons's to build the thing. And we can't have that - I may not know what an Internet Explorer is, but I'll be damned if my website gives freakin' Carson Daly the impression that he runs a better operation than I do. It's bad enough his show beats us in softball every year, there's no way in hell I'm giving him the internet too, which ironically enough could have prevented Mr. Daly from ever becoming 'famous' if it had existed back when he started. I for one would have been the first one on a 'message' board to wittily bash him and his smirky face. My comments would have been so clever that the internet would have exploded in an awesome overload, killing Carson and everyone at MTV in the process. Yeah that's right, I hate MTV too. 

So as for this whole Internet Ecplorer thing, I had a 5-hour long meeting with my IT department during which I learned the following:

Internet Explorer is a browser

I've scheduled another 5-hour meeting for next week so I can find out what the hell a browser is. In the meantime, I've determined that if you are using Internet Explorer, you're a loser. But it just so happens that all the executives at my network are losers too, and they get all pissy when my site doesn't look 'hip' and 'fresh' (those were the words they used in the corresponding memo about this issue. I've issued myself a memo to go up there and punch them in the throat.)

Basically, if you're using Internet Explorer, you now need to push a little button that I'm told is on the site's main page. And that will somehow make things better, or something. I don't know, just do it. All this internet talk is making me stabby, so I'm going to go eat a sandwich. Oh, and to all you losers still using Internet Explorer: download Firefox!! I don't know what that is either, but my nephew was very adamant about it. He should know, he's a meth head. 

Green Lantern!

Well, just in time for the announcement that Ryan Reynolds will be playing him onscreen, I've just posted my interview with the REAL Green Lantern. Check it out here!!

In Defense of International Child Slavery Rings...

Recent events - namely the raiding of my studio by DEA Agents for the fifth time this week - have compelled my lawyer to "strongly suggest" that I release a statement condemning international child slavery rings. But I don't like my lawyer. I once tried to organize a midget-kicking festival, and he was a spoilsport about the whole thing. He ended up costing me a Pepsi sponsorship, and I had to settle for Billy Beer. No, I didn't know they still made that either. In the end we had to settle for kicking regular short people, one of whom ended up being Michael Eisner. I blame all of this on my lawyer.

So to that end no, I will not be condemning international child slavery rings today. In fact, I'm taking the position that child slavery excels at building character, something your modern-day SpongeBobs and Pokemans and Angelina Jolies are severely lacking in. You put one of Angelina Jolie's kids in the middle of a pack of rabit street dogs, and what do you think will happen? They'll cry, and then get eaten. Because rabid street dogs will only eat things they don't respect, such as dog food and The New York Times Lifestyle section.  

Now you put a child slave in the middle of a rabid pack of dogs? A kid that's lived a hard life of Swami beatings, monkey knife-fights and televised weasel-wrestling matches? That kid's got character,  street cred. And rabid dogs don't eat things with street cred. That's why Mickey Rourke's still alive. 

So in a way, international child slavery rings are actually saving the world's children from rabid dog attacks. Now, you don't support rabid dog attacks on defensless children, do you? Do you? I didn't think so! So sell your children into slavery today! Watch for my 1-800-CASH4KIDS commercials between the hours of 3:00 and 5:30 AM. It's a great way to protect the world's children from rabid dog attacks, and earn some extra cash to buy paper towels.