In Defense of International Child Slavery Rings...

Recent events - namely the raiding of my studio by DEA Agents for the fifth time this week - have compelled my lawyer to "strongly suggest" that I release a statement condemning international child slavery rings. But I don't like my lawyer. I once tried to organize a midget-kicking festival, and he was a spoilsport about the whole thing. He ended up costing me a Pepsi sponsorship, and I had to settle for Billy Beer. No, I didn't know they still made that either. In the end we had to settle for kicking regular short people, one of whom ended up being Michael Eisner. I blame all of this on my lawyer.

So to that end no, I will not be condemning international child slavery rings today. In fact, I'm taking the position that child slavery excels at building character, something your modern-day SpongeBobs and Pokemans and Angelina Jolies are severely lacking in. You put one of Angelina Jolie's kids in the middle of a pack of rabit street dogs, and what do you think will happen? They'll cry, and then get eaten. Because rabid street dogs will only eat things they don't respect, such as dog food and The New York Times Lifestyle section.  

Now you put a child slave in the middle of a rabid pack of dogs? A kid that's lived a hard life of Swami beatings, monkey knife-fights and televised weasel-wrestling matches? That kid's got character,  street cred. And rabid dogs don't eat things with street cred. That's why Mickey Rourke's still alive. 

So in a way, international child slavery rings are actually saving the world's children from rabid dog attacks. Now, you don't support rabid dog attacks on defensless children, do you? Do you? I didn't think so! So sell your children into slavery today! Watch for my 1-800-CASH4KIDS commercials between the hours of 3:00 and 5:30 AM. It's a great way to protect the world's children from rabid dog attacks, and earn some extra cash to buy paper towels.