Following is a list of the top 20 women that refused my offer of flowers and/or chocolates and/or spontaneous van sex on Valentine's Day, and for brevity's sake this list is coincidentally identical to my annual list of who I predict will soon be anonymously punched in the throat by a hobo and/or kicked in the face by a rabid kangaroo and/or have vicious rumors about them involving syphilis and John Mayer spread on the internet by me, I mean by anonymous perpetrators. By which I mean me:
1. Betty White
2. Lindsay Vonn
3. Sarah Vowell
4. Lisa Loeb
5. Lady Gaga
6. Anne Wintour
7. The Barista at Starbucks who calls me Steve
8. Miley Cyrus
9. Adam Lambert
10. Miss Rumbaldt, my fifth-grade math teacher
11. Kim Kardashian
12. Kim Kardashian's sister
13. Kim Kardashian's other sister
14. Kim Kardashian's mom
15. Snooky
16. LaToya Jckson
17. Erin Esurance
18. That pink-haired chick from Lazytown
19. Jaycee Duggard
20. Jennifer Aniston. Ah who are we kidding. I turned HER down!
Honorable Mention: The Yellow Power Ranger
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
I Am The World!!!
So you know how all those hip, modern "singers" got together after the Grammys to remake "We are the World?" Yeah, a few problems with that.
First off, I was totally snubbed at the Grammys. Kathy Griffin gets a nomination but not me?? My spoken-word album, "One Shell of an Evening: All Night Long; Live From Binghamton!" burned up the Billboard charts! Like, literally. After I released it and didn't sell any copies, I went to Billboard and set the building on fire. Which, if you think about it, is a pretty brilliant marketing strategy for future releases. Somebody should offer me an Adjunt Professorship.
Anyway, since I wasn't at the Grammys (and not for lack of trying, as you may be aware if you pay any attention to the Registered Sex Offender newsletter or Fox News), I didn't hear about this little get together this group of tomorrow's has-beens was holding until it was too late. Whatever. It's their loss, because I'm a better singer than 10 Justin Biebers! And I don't even know who Justin Bieber is. In fact I don't even know if those syllabals that I just uttered are in fact a real person. I do that sometimes. Here I'll give it another shot: Danny Bonaduce.
What I'm trying to say is, "We Are the World" shouldn't be attempted again unless Michael Jackson's a part of it. To that end yes, I did attempt to break into Michael Jackson's crypt, steal his body, construct an elaborate marionette device using twine and fishhooks, and have him moonwalk to the recording studio as the gathered artists all praised me for being such a forward-thinking achiever who singlehandedly returned the project to its former glory.
I say "Attempted" because I'll admit it, I wasn't entirely successful. Moonwalking is hard. Making a corpse Moonwalk is even harder. Especially when parts keep falling off. By the time I got to the recording studio everyone had already gone home and I was left standing there with my pockets full of nose parts, fingers and nipples, looking like a jackass. And at that point there was some idiotic girl-band using the studio, and it was as if they'd never seen a walking corpse before, which is stupid considering that Thriller is like the most watched video of all time! Kids are stupid. It took a lot of Jesus Juice to shut them up. Also some punching.
I had to dump the body behind an Indian restaurant and return home, dejected. Because I failed, the new "We Are the World" is going to suck. And it's all Quincy Jones' fault for not giving me a writing credit, which I totally deserved. It ain't over, Quince.
First off, I was totally snubbed at the Grammys. Kathy Griffin gets a nomination but not me?? My spoken-word album, "One Shell of an Evening: All Night Long; Live From Binghamton!" burned up the Billboard charts! Like, literally. After I released it and didn't sell any copies, I went to Billboard and set the building on fire. Which, if you think about it, is a pretty brilliant marketing strategy for future releases. Somebody should offer me an Adjunt Professorship.
Anyway, since I wasn't at the Grammys (and not for lack of trying, as you may be aware if you pay any attention to the Registered Sex Offender newsletter or Fox News), I didn't hear about this little get together this group of tomorrow's has-beens was holding until it was too late. Whatever. It's their loss, because I'm a better singer than 10 Justin Biebers! And I don't even know who Justin Bieber is. In fact I don't even know if those syllabals that I just uttered are in fact a real person. I do that sometimes. Here I'll give it another shot: Danny Bonaduce.
What I'm trying to say is, "We Are the World" shouldn't be attempted again unless Michael Jackson's a part of it. To that end yes, I did attempt to break into Michael Jackson's crypt, steal his body, construct an elaborate marionette device using twine and fishhooks, and have him moonwalk to the recording studio as the gathered artists all praised me for being such a forward-thinking achiever who singlehandedly returned the project to its former glory.
I say "Attempted" because I'll admit it, I wasn't entirely successful. Moonwalking is hard. Making a corpse Moonwalk is even harder. Especially when parts keep falling off. By the time I got to the recording studio everyone had already gone home and I was left standing there with my pockets full of nose parts, fingers and nipples, looking like a jackass. And at that point there was some idiotic girl-band using the studio, and it was as if they'd never seen a walking corpse before, which is stupid considering that Thriller is like the most watched video of all time! Kids are stupid. It took a lot of Jesus Juice to shut them up. Also some punching.
I had to dump the body behind an Indian restaurant and return home, dejected. Because I failed, the new "We Are the World" is going to suck. And it's all Quincy Jones' fault for not giving me a writing credit, which I totally deserved. It ain't over, Quince.
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