Following is a list of the top 20 women that refused my offer of flowers and/or chocolates and/or spontaneous van sex on Valentine's Day, and for brevity's sake this list is coincidentally identical to my annual list of who I predict will soon be anonymously punched in the throat by a hobo and/or kicked in the face by a rabid kangaroo and/or have vicious rumors about them involving syphilis and John Mayer spread on the internet by me, I mean by anonymous perpetrators. By which I mean me:
1. Betty White
2. Lindsay Vonn
3. Sarah Vowell
4. Lisa Loeb
5. Lady Gaga
6. Anne Wintour
7. The Barista at Starbucks who calls me Steve
8. Miley Cyrus
9. Adam Lambert
10. Miss Rumbaldt, my fifth-grade math teacher
11. Kim Kardashian
12. Kim Kardashian's sister
13. Kim Kardashian's other sister
14. Kim Kardashian's mom
15. Snooky
16. LaToya Jckson
17. Erin Esurance
18. That pink-haired chick from Lazytown
19. Jaycee Duggard
20. Jennifer Aniston. Ah who are we kidding. I turned HER down!
Honorable Mention: The Yellow Power Ranger
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