Octomom visits The Shell Show

So the infamous "Octomom" showed up to the show last night. She was a replacement for Marlon Brando, who has apparently been dead for several years. Not like that's stopped me from interviewing certain people before, but we had an issue with the Health Department last time, so we're trying to keep our corpse-interviewing to a minimum (my Anna-Nicole Smith interview gave us some of the highest ratings in the show's history, however, so I might just swallow the penalty next time someone interesting dies. I'm looking at you, Abe Vigoda)

So anyway, Octomom, a few observations.

1. She doesn't actually have eight arms. This came as quite a disappointment.

B. She doesn't even have four arms. Like you know how Doctor Octopus only has four arms but they still call him Doc Oc? Ok yes, I suppose if you count his real arms that brings you up to six, but still it's entirely inaccurate. Anyway, I was maybe expecting something along those lines, but nope. Two arms. Two boring arms. 

3. Two arms? What the hell??

4. She's a regular person, or at least as regular as people get on this show. Which means that she's boring. Really, really boring. Regular people are boring. She's never made a movie, held a hostage or licked a toilet seat on YouTube, so she had nothing to talk about. Why is this woman famous??

5. Oh yeah, she brought some kids with her. I don't remember how many, but it seemed like a lot. One of them got crushed by the fridge in the green room while trying to get a Sanka. Two others dropped dead after eating some rat poison. Ok, yes we do keep our rat poison in bowls labeled "Free Candy!" but mothers are supposed to teach their kids not to take candy from strangers, so it's really all her fault.  Three others got into some guy's van...I'm still a little fuzzy on the details there. After we told her six of her kids were either dead or missing and presumed molested, she took a calculator from her purse and crunched some numbers, then asked me if I could get her booked on Maury. 

6. I hate Maury. 

7. After she left a hospital van pulled up and dropped off eight baskets. The Shell Show has a strict policy against opening strange baskets, so we threw them in the industrial mulcher we keep in the alley. 

8. All in all, it was a pointless visit