Why does The Shell Show have such a high mortality rate?

That's a question I get asked a lot, actually. And while the network was kind enough to send me a list of talking points to spin every time this topic comes up, I think I'm just going to try being honest. The network doesn't like it when I'm honest because my show is watched by tens of people, many of whom like to call the FCC and complain - but this is the internet! I see the weekly visitor numbers and trust me, I might as well be talking to a sandbag wearing a hat. It's the sandbag that's wearing the hat, not me. Don't get all grammar-Nazi on me. 

Ok, so back to the issue at hand. Why do so many of my guests end up dead? I think we first need to establish that the MSM really tends to distort these figures, especially since they seem to have some sort of sick love affair with the "popular" talk shows. No more guests die on my show then on, say, Leno. No really, it's true. It's just that Leno is on NBC, and NBC has money. So every time a Miley Cyrus goes on his show, then steps in a bear trap backstage and gets decapitated by a falling Chia Pet, NBC just swoops in, buries the body in the backlot mass grave, and replaces her with another girl from the Disney stockroom. No one is ever the wiser.

The Shell Show, however, works under a different system. Our network HQ is based off a decommissioned oil rig in the South Pacific, with most of our advertisers coming from Thailand and paying for airtime with fish. Now I like fish as much as the next guy, but it turns out that you can't pay for a celebrity replacement with a barrel of fish. Not even two barrels (I know, right?).  

Soooo, here's a hypothetical rundown of what would happen on my show: Miley Cyrus comes on, juggles or strips or does whatever the hell it is she's famous for. Then Jack Hannah comes on. He brings a Couger (No, not Demi Moore. That's another story altogether). Yadda yadda yadda, the Couger eats Miley Cyrus. Everybody screams, cut to commercial. I call the network and tell them that they need to find a new kid to slap a blond wig on before people start talking. At that point the network floats out of cell phone range and I'm left talking to a Thai operator who doesn't seem impressed with my anecdote about my last Thai massage.

No network, no money, no new Miley, guess who ends up looking like the bad guy? That's right, me. And I'd be willing to bet that more guests have died on Regis & Kelly  in 1 week than the last YEAR of The Shell Show!  We're just a bit more honest about it, is all. 

I hate to depress all you fine people, but the fact of the matter is that if you have a favorite celebrity, and that celebrity has ever appeared on a talk show, they're probably dead. Talk Shows are the main source of income for the Celebrity look-a-like industry. Well, that and the Saddam Hussein administration, but we all know how that turned out.  So who's your favorite celebrity? Harrison Ford? He's been dead for 25 years, the new guy is a former furniture salesman named Bill and he's the fifth Harrison Ford double since 1985. Abigail Breslin? Dead (and yes, ok, that one was my fault). They got her replacement from a Romanian orphanage. Nicolas Cage? I kid, he's not anybody's favorite anything - but still, he died on the promo tour for Leaving Las Vegas. Unfortunate ironing accident. I think now he's a hologram. 

So you see, it's not just The Shell Show. Don't blame us for the high celebrity death rate, we simply don't have the money to keep covering it up. I'd rather spend that money on new bath mats for the green room, anyway.