Miss USA thinks it's better than us...

So I watched the Miss USA pageant last night. I do this every year, and every year I'm disappointed. I keep telling myself that next year, the batch of girls will be hotter. That gives me something to look forward to during a period of time in which I'd probably be inventing creative new ways to kill myself. 

But then the show rolls around, and yet again I'm faced with a bevy of girls with fake tans, fake hair, fake smiles, and the fake belief that their fathers love them. Not that I have anything against fake, mind you, but it forces me to face the fact that there's very few girls in the media today that are my "type." Also I think people should use the word "bevy" more often. 

So what is my "type," you ask? Let me lay it out for you: pink hair, black catsuit, cartoon, sells car insurance. I know, right? Everybody tells me I can just go to any college campus in America and chicks like that are a dime a dozen - and when they tell me this, it's usually with a tinge of disappointment that someone as awesome and studly as myself would have such common and mediocre tastes in women, but the heart wants what it wants. In any event, visiting a college campus isn't that easy for me, due to my plea bargain with the GI Fund. Same reason I'm not allowed to drive an ice-cream truck. 

But I've gotten off track. Miss USA.  Yeah, so we've been trying to book the winner on the show. I know I just spent 3 paragraphs saying how much I hated all of this year's contestants, but I'm in show business so you should just assume that I'm secretly very cynical and hate pretty much everybody. It's actually a requirement when you become a talk show host. Still, that doesn't mean I wouldn't want to interview this year's winner and ask her foreign policy questions while staring at her boobs. 

The Miss USA organization - which to the best of my knowledge is headquartered in a fallout shelter underneath Ryan Seacrest's mansion paid for with the tears of humiliated American Idol contestants -   has so far not returned my phone calls. I could grandstand about why that may be, but a simple Google search will tell you that the last 4 Miss USA's who visited The Shell Show ended up dead, mauled by a bear, dead, and mauled by a dead bear. Best 'Bring your Daughter to Work Day' ever. 

Still, 5th time's the charm, right? I don't see any reason to cry over mauled Miss USA winners, but apparently the main office does and seems to have put an embargo on sending their contestants to my show. I may have found a way around it, though. There's a bunch of transexual prostitutes that walk the streets around the studio here, so I'm going to invite one on and  just say that it's Miss USA. That should get their attention.