What's with all the washed up 70's sitcom stars?

So we had Gary Coleman on the show last night - headlining, in fact. Now, I often get asked by people why The Shell Show books so many pathetic Z-list celebrities, and the answer's pretty simple: they don't complain as much when we humiliate them and/or their families. Let's be honest, humiliating people  is what my show is all about, and when I arrange for a bucket of elephant semen to "accidentally" fall onto Russell Crowe's head, it tends to cause a lot of problems.  See, Russell Crowe has a PR team, and he likes to punch people in the face. So when he punches me in the face, he has his PR team spin it so that I was running through the halls hopped up on codine, didn't look where I was going and ran into his fist which was outstretched as he was about to point directions to a soup kitchen for a crippled orphan. 

So in short, I don't like getting punched in the face. With someone like Gary Coleman though, I have a few things working in my favor:

1: Gary Coleman only comes up to my knees. Face-punching is out of the question for him. 

2. Gary Coleman has no PR team, which is probably why he has such a lengthy criminal record

3. Gary Coleman can't afford any face-punching lawsuits, as it would result in the cardboard box he's living in being foreclosed on.

4. Gary Coleman is desperate for publicity, regardless of the amount of elephant semen involved. 

That list goes for pretty much every Z-lister we book. Willie Aames, Mike Lookinland, Paul Walker, etc. The perfect storm of obscure celebrity desperation has allowed my to get away with some pretty horrific things in the name of entertainment, and I wouldn't have it any other way.  

Next week we've booked Bonnie Franklin, and I'm trying to line up a visit from a pack of rabid badgers on the same night. They're not as easy to come by as you would think, but the possibilities have convinced me to keep calling trailer parks until I hit the jackpot. I try to take things One Day at a Time, if you will...