Why Does Everyone Think I Killed Bill?

Okay, those of you who frequent my blog have probably noticed that I've been away for a while. Sorry I didn't give you warning, as I know most of you are in federal prisons and don't appreciate wasting precious minutes of your computer-room time to visit a site that hasn't been updated in weeks. But I don't feel guilty, I was the one who posted a step by step how-to guide on how to smuggle in a cell phone through the ancient art of rectum stretches in my bi-monthly "Kiddie Krafts" feature, so you guys owe me. 

Moving on, where was I? Well if you fine folks had taken the time to stop shivving eachother and visited the common room TV, you would have realized that I was broadcasting the show from Thailand! Yes Thailand, where for $5 you can get a 5 course meal, a donkey, an underage hooker and an overage tranny and still have enough for an underage donkey and a ride on Gary Glitter's speedboat. Speaking of Gary Glitter, he was my sidekick for our week of Thai shows, and boy does that man know how to party! He can fit like 80 nachos in his mouth! That is absolutely the wildest thing I can ever imagine him or anyone else doing, and this is where I'll end this sentence...he's still serving his...

We had a lot of great guests during our Thai shows, including Michael Jackson, Bryan Singer, Paul Reubens and the guy from the Del Taco commercials, but the guest that got us the most attention had to be David Carradine. 

Now yes, it may be true that for the entire David Carradine interview I kept insisting that nobody loved him and his career was a pathetic DTV joke, but that was just gentle ribbing! And yes, it may be true that at one point during the interview I spiked his drink with barbituates and industrial-grade LSD, but that was just part of the green room welcome basket! And yes, it may be true that after the show I strapped him into a sensory deprivation chamber and piped in Bjork's greatest hits, but that's just how I assumed he wanted to unwind after the show! To imply that I had anything to do with his bizarre suicide is wholly inappropriate, even though it may be true that in his drugged stupor I convinced him to name me as sole beneficiary in his will.  I was also sole beneficiary in Vince Foster's will, and you don't see any conspiracy theories flying around about that, do you? 

I mean really, people. If you want to start digging around for crazy conspiracy theories, you could at least look into my connection with apple pie. You heard me, apple pie. Ever wonder why it's so delicious? I didn't think so. 

Now if you don't mind, I need to go buy an Alpaca with my "Kung Fu" residuals...