Letterman ruined it for the rest of us.

Thanks a lot Dave!!

I thought we had a deal, and by we I mean the cadre of talk show hosts that secretly controls the media and by proxy people's minds. We had a good thing going, Dave. We had our pick of interns and female staffers to cater to our every sexual whim, and no one was the wiser!! Did you think I hired the top ten contestants from the Miss Brazil pageant to work in the accounting department because they were good at math?? Well, one of them was, actually. Now she teaches at Cal Tech but that's beside the point, I hired them because they were hot and had a very limited mastery of English!! And then you come along and ruin it all!!!

Do you have any idea how many ex boyfriends have tried to blackmail me over the years? I mean what are you, some sort of amateur? There's a reason every talk show hosts keeps a hitman on staff, Dave. They aren't there to look pretty. They're there to ensure that our sexual daliances remain secret (even if it does mean having to execute the majority of your staff after an ill-advised swingers party in the conference room in the middle of the day. That's what we in the business call a "shake-up.")

Really Dave, this could have been handled so much better. Scandals are expensive, but you know what's cheap? Bullets! Also stranglings. And Thai hookers, also very inexpensive.

Now I've got people looking at me funny, assuming the only way to get ahead on this show is to sleep with me! Well they're right, but that doesn't mean I want Frank from the mailroom humping my leg. This was supposed to be our secret, Dave. We had a good thing going, and now our secret's out. I mean, what's point of even having a talk show anymore if you can't sleep with the hot interns?? And forget about the monthly talk show host orgies. The next one was gonna be at my house - I bought balloons! Well there is an upside to all this - I won't have to look at Kimmel's ass anymore. But still Dave, next time you're gonna blow our cover, do it with something that doesn't matter, like embezzling health insurance or something. Keep my Brazilian interns out of it.