Reality Bites. Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Just Shoot Everyone in the Face.

So you might have noticed that many of my guests lately have been reality TV "stars." And I'll be honest, I have no idea who most of these people are. I mean, I know I pretend to be familiar with their "work" and that I give a crap about however it is they embarrass themselves on national television, but for the most part during these interviews I'm reading a teleprompter and imagining the best way to core an apple.

So why book so many of them? They're filler, folks. I need something to fill the time between your Tom Cruises and your Paul Walkers, and Reality "stars" are surprisingly easy to get. They work for scale and whatever drugs are left in the green room from the last guest, so we usually try to schedule them after anybody from England.

Oh, and there's another perk - they're relatively easy to shoot in the face. Now, I know I've developed something of a reputation for ending a lot of my interviews by shooting the guest in the face, but it's actually a lot harder than it looks. Legally speaking, that is. Remember when I shot Julia Roberts in the face? Well her lawyers sure do. They won't stop bothering me. I've shot a few of them in the face but they just keep regenerating, like John Travolta's hair.

But see, reality folk don't have lawyers. They have "handlers." They usually come from the local dog tracks, and are easily distracted by shoes or dead birds. That makes my job that much easier. Plus, the "personalities" actually love all the extra attention that getting shot in the face brings you, so then they can appear on the cover of Us Weekly or something with a huge headline that reads "My Face!!" See? It's win-win.

I mean, what else were they going to do? Visit Regis and Kelly? Host something on the Gameshow Network? Date Brandon Davis? Getting shot in the face opens up a whole new world of opportunities, which is why my show stays well stocked with Reality show losers.

Now don't you fret, I'll still book A-list guests. Well, B-list. I just won't shoot them in the face, unless they deserve it. Probably if they don't, too. Depends on my mood.

Next week, Paul Walker and his handsome face!